i wish to get the old feelings back when i used to be crazy taking photographs.

the craze started back in my second year of college, when i was finally able to bring our family digicam.

it was a kodak dx6490.

i loved taking pictures during class. of people passing by. of the beautiful trees on campus.

i loved taking paparazzi photos most especially. then i realized i love taking stolen portraits.

capturing the moment. sigh.

i started shooting outdoors as well.

it was a peak time for my multiply account.

people started to love my photographs.

that gave me confidence.

it was also then that for once my parents praised me for something.

i looked forward for junior year when we take photography for two semesters.

just like any other cliche ever written, any heightened feeling will only lead to disappointment.

my father bought me a nikon d40 for class. even bought me extra accessories and an extra lense.

we started class, i was average. my classmates were doing great, my friends were exceptional.

i tried not to let it get to me. i had to keep the dream alive. i wanted to be better at this.

i had a problem that buried me.

i had shaky hands and my eyes really just can't help me focus my subject on manual setting.

when my studies get back to me, the same comment from my professor is always present. BLURRY.

i had to rely on my lense's auto focus mode to keep me from flanking the subject.

and soon, the extra zoom lense i have started to dust in my bag because i can't use it properly.

as much i hate to see it go to waste, i felt like i can't do anything.

frustration ate my alive. it buried until the dream was forgotten and all i can do is pretend it's not really important to me.

the perfect excuse to give it up came, i became busy with extra-curricular activities and i had to set my photography aside.

everything were literally covered in spider webs and dust.

my heart breaks every single time i see what the dream has become.

not a single photo remained visible in my room.

nobody knew how frustrated i was for two years.

i was nothing but a coward.

i was too afraid to face another failure.

now, frustration is not the only thing that's eating me alive, envy decided to join the party.

everybody else had made progress, and here i am...

afraid to start all over.

these are just empty words...

i need to take another step.

maybe a leap to get right back into pace.

</3

falling in love is a free fall
but it grants every wishes of a free soul
keep pushing each other away
in an attempt to guard the heart with words we say
but the eyes says otherwise
and yet again a failure to rationalize
overcome the fear for that hidden passion
'coz sometimes love needs a declaration

I'm currently at the office eating takoyaki c/o patrik.

procrastinating like a pro.

so much to do. so little diligence. HAHAHA

i had the girls over last night. we came home from padi's point at around half-past nine. maka nee-chan slept early around 11:00pm, leaving thelma, kam and i awake all night, i missed them so much. just laying around doing nothing. laughing endlessly over the silliest stuffs.

we spent the rest of the night all piled up on top of each other. yes, literally. :p

we slept at around half-past two and woke up around 7:30 in the morning, late for work. haha

i saw the news today, noynoy aquino declared his candidacy for president for 2010. i still think he's still premature. i don't doubt his qualifications, i just think he still needs to prove a lot of things. but oh well.

i have a new fan fiction addiction thanks to pat. (should i really be thanking her?? haha! i've suffered from sleep deprivation and a fruitless day at work because i was reading. now i ask again, should i really be thanking her?! HAHAHA)

hydaraulic level 5!

it's a twilight fan fiction, i'll write a review after i'm done with the latest update.

i have to restart the PC now, i'll be back later i guess.

i got tons to tell, i'm just not so sure if i have the energy to type it all down. lol

ja!

my heart is pounding
i can't let go
i keep on falling
my screams are deafening
are you listening?
this soul only wants to break free
from an unrequited love
i lay on this shore
and i let the waves hug me
and give me some comfort
small waves came to touch my toes
as if they were teasing
i felt a little tingle from the cold water
then a big one came
and washed me away
the icy water should have me shivering
but it was nothing compared to
how cold it was inside...

i sound like a 4th grader writing this.. but the words were just overflowing from my head i needed to write some down.

This longing feeling isn’t right... Why do i miss you when i hold no memories of you and i... i have to live my life in reality and not just in my private make believe... daydreams and butterflies... they’re nothing but my personal fleeting lies... i’ve been driven mad, as my heart stopped beating with a thud. Is it really silly to dread for someone to save me from this bended reality... however, bliss only comes when i succumb to my fancies...

How long have i been living wanting to stay in love with fantasies and lies...

how much longer do i have to endure, till the day i long for you no more... but for tonight as i break all treaties made, i shall be with you in my slumber...

9:46 am. i should be continuing with my thesis right now, but i just really have to blog.

i spent the whole afternoon with patrick yesterday. we met up around 2:30 at a block near his place. we went to Makati to interview our former boss for our thesis. the travel time was 6x longer than the actual interview, we ran out of questions actually. hahaha... but sir ricky told us to just email him if we have anymore questions. we initially wanted to ask for jobs again actually. hahaha! bur while we were interviewing him, an applicant came in. i really didn't want to ask about a job opening in front of the girl. XD

we went to glorietta afterwards. we saw that there was a photography thing happening at the activity area so checked it out. patrick bought matte papers and some transfer paper, i bought a pvc for my bag tags, and patrick's going to print it for me! weee~ we also bought acrylic keychains... just wanted to try it, but maybe i'll just have mine done at the printing service center.

after going around glorietta for a place to stay, we ended up at BK. we had Jr. whopper stunner meal, or something like that. haha. onion rings! bwahahaha! we left glorietta at around 6:30pm, took the mrt, we even reached nirvana with the very long line to enter the station! the line was crazy coz it was a rush hour.

inside the train, 3/4 of the travel, we didn't have to hold on to anything while we were standing there. it was so jam packed we ccan't even move our arms anymore.

then we reached north avenue, we dropped by trinoma to buy some stuff.

i took a cab home coz my feet were killing me from all the walking all day. XD

when i got home, i ended up plurking and watching episode 3 of VOICE.

oh toma-chan... aisheteru.

can't wait for episode 4, coz when i saw the preview, it'll be more focused on toma-chan this time. i love it!

i really wanted to stay awake the whole night and work, so i tried dancing to keep the blood rushing. hahaha

I WANT NOBODY NOBODY BUT YOU!! WAAAAH!!! i'm so addicted to this song and its dance! hahaha!





the culprit behind this addiction was hyung joon! hahaha look at him dance! gahd so cute!!!

(for those of you who doesn't now him, he's the one wearing a grey long sleeves, and who looks like a girl.)



GO THESIS!!! I WANNA DIE!!! LORD HELP!!!

i was just reminded of a realization i had while riding the jeepney to school:

"it isn't the lack of means to get to where and what i want,
it's my lack of goal, that's the problem."

and another one while i was walking around the university:

"i've lost focus on all the essential goals that i've had. i was overwhlemed by the things that i though i want but really didn't."

i haven't blogged for days, and it felt like ages. i've been meaning to write, really. but every time i would think about it, i start to doze off. (*yawn* just like now. see?) i intend to write a really long update here, but i'm not really sure if i can. well, i guess i'll just have to see how far i can go, XD

(btw, i can't edit this right now, so pardon the typos and stuff.:D)

(i've written something random 6 days ago, and that doesn't count. XD)

January 18, 2009 a sunday. i thought that, that day would never come. XD i was so sure that it won't, but then it came. "jammie-chan" came. :D i would like to introduce to you, the fulfillment of my toma-lappy-toppy dream...:D



this is a photo that i took just now, and of course, my one and only graces the desktop. :D

side comment: the wallpaper and the slideshow actually are more of a distraction while working, coz i always end up staring and sighing. XD

january 19, 20... 20, tuesday, we decided to have a thesis camp at pat's. kam joined in but was only there to rest. thelma was there to "police" us.

when we got there, it was around 9pm after our PHC class, i received a text that i was supposed to meet someone that very moment at a place at the other side of the university. since i was the one that asked for the meeting, i was obliged to go of course. so i left the dorm, (since it was a dorm, it had a curfew @ 10pm. i had to return by then. and the dapitan gate of the university which was the closest access gate to the dorm, closes at around the same time)

i walked the almost deserted university to my meeting. there were very few lights on, but it wasn't very scary to walk alone YET. after my meeting i was in a hurry to get back to the dorm or else i'll be left out. luckily, the espana gate was still open so i was able to enter the university on my way back. there was a fireworks display at some street at the back of the university, so at first it was still really nice to cross the dark field alone. but when the foreworks was over, i found myself standing at the middle of the dark field, all alone, and when i looked back, it was pitch black. so i moved along fast. after making it through the field, i was nearing the main building, a very old building with a very good number of ghost story to boot. it was really dark, all post have been turned off and i can't make out any figure of any security guard around the area. i started to feel panicky.

i looked back from where i came from and i regretted it reight then and there coz it was pitch black and it gave me the eerie feeling. i remembered the nightmares i used to have. all alone in a very big open place with big old buildings all around, and it was pitch black. and the twilight zone theme started to play on my head.

when i reached the block i was supposed to take a turn to reach the dapitan gate, it was DARK. hellishly freakishly dark. it was a street in between the main buiding a bunch of big trees and a park. there was a post lamp at the end of the street so i just focused looking at it while walking. when i finally reached the dapitan gate, guess what, it was locked. damn. it really crept me out. i turned my back to my surprise there was another student from the same college as me. i didn't notice so i just ignored him while he was panicking.:D but i wanted to get out of the campus already coz i received a text that the dorm was closing, so i took a run for it. surprisingly, the other student ran after me as well. i wanted to laugh if only i wasn't going to walk that scary dark street again. so i decided to call on thelma, so at least i won't feel all alone anymore. i took another route back to the dorm afterwards.

maybe it was due to the exhaustion from running, that i fell asleep as soon as i hit the mattress while we were watching boys before flowers. i began to wake up when i felt the mattress being moved aside. i saw that kam and pat were trying to move me aside. but i was so sleepy to care.:D then after a few minutes, i started to hear really loud laughing, when i looked up, i saw kam and pat dancing to a jonas brothers song. it was their single for their japanese special edition album i think.

we just watched through the night and at around 3am, i decided it was time to work. kam and pat to join in at around 4-4:30? not much had been done really. they all slept at around 5:30, and i can't remember what i was doing while they were sleeping. lol memory gap. XD

21,22,23,24... 24,saturday, i went to the university to talk to our college dean about a follow up on our completion form. coz if i failed to have it encoded on time, i won't be able to graduate, but he wasn't there. and oh, before that, i also went around recto to look for a cheaper place to have my thesis materials printed. after those two, i decided to also look around SM san lazaro, i bought my sister a book after reading for half an hour at booksale.

25,26,27- i had my frequency chart checked, done it with flying colors. XD and oh! oh! during the morning, i saw Video[Scope} at channel[v] and it was featuring RAIN! hahaha! Love him.:D

later that afternoon, we also had our PHC report about our previous project, our topic was about divisoria, we made some ads and compiled some consumer reviews. we were really unprepared with the report. hahaha... nobody really cared about the report anyway, so we thought what the heck.:D

when the reporting started, we found that our professor was asking almost the silliest of things. well, not actually silly, we only found it that way coz we were already pissed off over the fact that we had to do the reporting when we had a gazillion of things to do for our thesis. our group was not really sure what to say, coz our professor was asking the other groups about history and area locations, and we honestly don't have those on our material.:D but oh, we had the map, but we honestly can't explain the area location.

i spoke half the duration of the report. good thing i was able to read a very short history about divi and i was bestowed with a gift of making things up on the spot.:D haha. i was determined to answer each and every question that will be thrown to us.

[i cut class that night, after our report, we ditched the remaining half of the class so i never really heard our professor's overall feedback abour our report, but what i heard the next day, ours was the well-presented report that night. who would have thought. hahaha]

28, watched mei-chan no shitsuji!!! gaaaaah! i want i want i want i want hiro as my shitsuji!!! hotnessss!!! then, i went to divisoria with my tita to look for collateral materials. we were able to go around the area twice! the first thing i bough were these cuties...



they are erasers, i gave kam the big strawberry one, and thelma the sundae cone, coz they like cute lil things as well.:D

29, 30. 30, friday, today. not one of our professors came to class, so we were all able to go home early. it felt really weird, it has been really long since i last came home during the afternoon, coz i usually leave school at around 8pm or 9pm.

during our first class while were waiting for atty. Ed, a plan for a roadtrip surfaced. the pit stops were still undecided but what was sure was that the final stop was Ilocos. definitely all residence of our classmates along the way will be a pit stop. la uniion, tarlac, baguio.. hahaha! hopefully this will be after graduation.

i bought 2 dvds on my way home, bride wars and quarantine. i already watched bride wars and it was a laugh. really nice movie. i imagined how it will be on my own wedding. 8->

i recalled my conversation with joza this afternoon, about what jobs we want after graduation, and i, without thinking, answered, events organizer for weddings. that came out of blue. so sudden i was even shocked with myself. then i added, if it was a work in the agency, i'd really prefer the AE job. i want that kind of jib coz i know the AE is always the nightmare for the creatives, but i want to change that since i am also well trained in creatives, i'll know how to handle them much more better. we can create better ads and a better working relationship.:D

when i watched bride wars, i think the narrator was the wedding organizer, then i imagined the feeling of watching those happy bride and groom and their family during that special day. then i also want to be able to capture those moments, so i also thought of going back to my photography.

could i possibly be any of those things i want?

or is having all these dreams just too much?

AND of course all these are for my family AND going to japan.:D

anybody knows a job in japan in line with all the things i just said? hehe... i want to be somehow closer to toma. just imagining that he and i are on the same city. *sigh*

it isn't a secret to anyone that i still don't have a first kiss right, so i was still hovering over this idea, dream actually, that i can have toma for that. hahahahaha!!!!! i now it sounds silly! but then..... i still want that.:D whattya think? will i ever have my first kiss if i keep on aiming for that to happen?:D

anyway, to wrap things up here's a rundown of my to-do list:

*final collats design revision
*printing
*thesis book
*PHC report

i can't think of anything else. XD

ja for now!

ciao!

today was my 2nd work out day. XD

and i did it with my mama this morning at 6am. we did the cardio workout this time.

i haven't slept before i worked out. my body clock's totally messed up.

Pi ruled my morning today.

i can't believe how he got me thinking of him, when i was pretty much all over toma these days. i blame it on his effortless hotness and his goddamn song Mola. my mind was messed up because of Pi. not that it's usually not, it's just that i'm only used to having toma-chan in my head 24/7. this morning, i was seduced by pi. XD
but at the end of the day, toma-chan still has my heart.



it was freaking cold last night and tonight as well, the tiles felt like ice.

i attended my TXD class, late. again. XD i told myself i was going to finish my studies, but i got easily swayed coz everyone who's not yet done are going to pass tomorrow, so i thought i might as well join them. XD

but one thing i was firm on, i was going to leave school early to catch the pilot episode of VOICE. toma-chan's new drama with eita and ishihara. luckily, our last class which was supposed to be from 4pm-9pm, didn't happen coz we only had to pass our prelims plate and that was it.

i only recycled a previous plate from last semester. hahaha!

anyway, when we had our plates printed, Kam printed out some Pi pics for our keychain frame. mine had toma-chan in it(of course) but since i was going crazy over Pi this morning, i asked for a copy and placed it on my frame as well. XD



after class, we did what we do best. CAM WHORING!!!

this is our life. this is us. XD












aah.. so nostalgic.

we all look so wasted coz thesis is such a toxic. XD

photo credits: pat and kam

i watched VOICE, and wasn't totally happy with it. sorry toma-chan.=( but this is i think mainly because, keyhole was an asshole to me and lagged everytime it was your scene, and eita got me distracted coz i find him weird. and lastly coz its not yet subbed. XD i'm waiting for the subbed version and i will definitely judge it from there.

i was just really excited to watch it in real time.

when i was watching it, i was thinking if toma-chan's doing the same thing as me.
watching his drama.

i recently had a photo of toma-chan printed and i wanna show it to you guys. XD
this is on top of my computer table in my room. =D


our pictures side by side. ahaha!


and that would be all for today i guess..=D

i'll work now!

ciao!~

it was definitely a very nice Sunday for me. :)

for the first time this morning, i worked out. haha.

i got out of bed, went to the living room, turned on the tv and dvd before i even change my mind and back away from the idea. XD

i did the hip hop abs training for hips and thighs at 6am in the morning.

i have not worked out for a long while now that's why i had a hard time catching up during the last portion of the training. :p

after that i've decided to hit the treadmill while watching NEWS' Never Ending Story con. XD

watching Pi while running there was really helpful. hehe. it sort of gave me the feeling that i was running towards him. XD

then i thought, "if only i could run to Toma-chan's side..." then before i knew it, my running started to speed up with Toma-chan's face on my mind. XD

after 15minutes of running (sorry, that's just how long i can go after doing the hip hop abs thing.XD) i finally decided to slow down and just sit back while using the sauna belt. XD

i sat down at the treadmill and just stared at pi singing daite senorita.

i was like that for half an hour, totally letting my shirt dry up.

then my family started to wake up one by one and watched with me. but i already switched to the pacific con that time hahaha. it was really funny, my mama saw how big the crowd was, and she was really amazed at how popular they are. when she saw the uchiwas she really found it cute and thought it was free to give to the fans. but i told her it would cost at around php750 at the least. and she was like, "they can keep it to themselves. that's too much." ahahaha...

my sisters, my nephew and my papa were also watching and kept laughing coz naturally the concert was in japanese and i was watching the subbed version of it, they were making fun of the songs. hehehe...

i tried teaching my 2 month old nephew how to dance along with NEWS, hahahaha! :P

then after breakfast, we watched our videos during our recent subic escapade.

then before lunch, we left to go shopping. i wasn't originaly planning to tag along, but they were going to have pictures printed, and i wanted some of mine printed too, specially a Toma picture that i can post in my room.XD

when we got to the mall, i found out that they were planning to buy me a laptop as a graduation and birth day gift!XD although i'm graduating on march and my birth day is not yet until april, they decided to buy me an early present so i can still use it for my thesis.XD

HAPPY!!

i'm going to get a very reliable laptop but not necessarily a fancy one. coz we're going to buy one on a budget. with the cost of my thesis and all, i feel so ashamed to even ask for more than what they're going to give me.

i'm already grateful that they've finally decided to buy me a laptop, coz originally, they really don't approve of me having one.

for the whole day, i was already excited with all the Toma stuff i can store when i finally get my own laptop. 'coz honestly, my pc has only 30GB of memory and 1GB of RAM. hahaha.. it can crash any minute now coz it only has a free disk space of 3GB and i keep on using illustrator cs3 and photoshop cs3 simultaneously with y!messenger and itunes on. XD

i'm really really tired!!! my thighs hurt! but i know i need to continue my work out tomorrow before going to school! yosh! i need to be really determined! i need to lose weight! for my graduation picture! for Toma-chan! XD